euu typedd*:
blog
(Tuesday, June 7, 2016-)
+10:40 PM]*
# the incoherent inner eternal turmoil-
today was a tough day. i was on the offensive, in assault mode. cannons primed and waiting for a target. why?
I was somehow not content with anything and everything.
cos i felt sorry for myself.
"wth jem. why are you sorry for yourself? what are you sorry for? sorry for giving your best?" i was angry with myself while still another thought echoed that i deserved better.
i was tired, worn out. i couldn't focus on work at all. and into the chapel i went.
"i deserve to die because of my sin." that was the first thing i uttered. there and then, i knew it was a sin issue. i was grieving, holding on to guilt and punishing myself. and that wore me out like a rug.
and there God tutored me:
first i was brought to Jeremiah 17. the heart is deceitful above all things, who can understand it?
surely my heart is wicked and beyond cure. so there i was condemning myself. but as i looked to the preceding verses, there i saw a word given to me by a few people.
This is what the Lord says:
“Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who draws strength from mere flesh
and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
6 That person will be like a bush in the wastelands;
they will not see prosperity when it comes.
They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.
7 “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
8 They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”
9 The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
10 “I the Lord search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct,
according to what their deeds deserve.”
People often see a tree (v7), whether oak or pine, and they say that i'm like that tree whose leaves are evergreen, with deep roots. as i meditated on the entire passage, i just burst out singing "Jesus be the Center". because He is my living water, my sustenance.
i moved on to verse 10, and the tutoring moved on.
when david cut the robe of king saul, he was conscious stricken and said the Lord forbid him from doing such a thing. the question is, did david sin when he cut the robe?
for i had a similar encounter and i was conscious stricken. but i punished myself severely.
what was the fruit from david's cutting of saul's robe? it was life. david spared saul's life. and what was the fruit of my own encounter? it was life, God spared my life from having to bear the weight of sin. the Lord forbid that i do such things again.
so i released myself from the guild and thought that i needn't be too hard on myself. and i gave myself permission to rest and to just enjoy life. i need a sabbath, and i want to get and do quite a few stuff.
i wanted to get a hair cut, i wanted a new shoe. i thought those might lift up my mood abit. but by the end of the day, it was not meant to be. my hairstylist missed my msg and left early. the seller on carousell MIA.
with that, i trudged home unhappily. i felt lousy. it was a bad day
"jeremy, are you going to let the devil win?"
i said no. he will not have my happiness, my joy, my peace. but somehow, i could not find that inner strength to be at peace, or joyful. instead, i knew that rage was building up inside me.
i knew what i needed to do. and i went for a run. i know my legs were wearing out and sore, and my knee hurts. but by God's grace, i completed it. as i walked 2 rounds to cool off, i just invited Jesus to walk with me. and i knew He was there. and we talked.
the devil had tried to sift me. but Jesus would not allow him to touch my soul and spirit.
and i thought back in Job's life, how the devil had messed up his family, circumstances and even his body, yet God forbade the devil from touching his soul and spirit.
thus concludes the matter: the devil can mess up my circumstances, my body, my health or my possessions. but he cannot touch my future and my eternity. those are in God's hands. those are the reward He holds for me. provided i choose to keep them in His hands and not in mine.
that was what the devil was trying to do.
the story ends like this;
_____________________________________________________________________________
___